Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
