im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
