Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
