i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
