i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
