I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
