I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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