I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
