areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He passed out mid-signature
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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