One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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