I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
