Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
