then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
