I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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