she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
