operation have a gay friend backfired
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
