Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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