just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
