whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
