In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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