It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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