I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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