worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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