What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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