This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
