Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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