she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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