i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
