hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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