I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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