This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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