He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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