What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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