I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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