You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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