I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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