That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
