i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
