If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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