I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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