so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
