and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
