Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
