dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
