I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
