It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
