HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
