I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
