You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
