fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
