I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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