Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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