Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
