Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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