Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
