I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
