Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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