Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
