she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
